The end of Rowan’s school year…..

by dahl2013

“The excitement of things to come in his life have been replaced with the painful realization that there will be no future memories.”

As we head towards the end of the school year; a time when Rowie would be preparing for his role as Head Boy at the School Prize Giving; a time when he would be as excited as his peers about where he is heading next year and what he is going to be studying and which Hall he is in………..

This starts the long, painful process for us of the lead up to Christmas and the New Year.

We are going to attend Prize Giving.  We really want to see his friends stand proud at the end of their school lives and learn about where they are all heading next year.  These guys have all been such a large part of our lives since we moved to Owaka five years ago and we will continue to see them come and go again at the end of each semester and follow their progress with interest.

Rowie’s memorial plaques, designed by other students, are in place at school now.  We have the unveiling ceremony coming up soon. They are with the Rowan trees donated by my Census 2013 peers after Rowie died.  We will watch the Kapa Haka group perform for him – always a spine-tingling performance – and listen to things that people may want to say about him.

….and another chapter in our lives will end.

I do believe that everything, no matter how ghastly, horrendous and hideous, happens for a reason and according to a soul’s plan.  This soul plan is unique and allows for spiritual evolution.  We choose our paths in life before we get here to enable us to learn.  Certain paths are chosen to learn altruistic qualities such as compassion, kindness, patience and healing.  These paths may require resolution and strength to survive arduous situations like experiencing the death of a child.  Each challenge is planned so that a person will grow beyond our limited human thinking.  These paths are chosen together within a soul family so on some level, Rowie, Francis, Chris and I planned this.

We all grieve differently.  The way I see it is that we can either stay in the depths of deep and inconsolable pain, anguish and misery; give in to the fact that life has forever lost its magic or use this ordeal and suffering as an opportunity for learning and growth.

If you were to ask a hundred people about their thoughts on life and death you would probably get a hundred different responses.  We are all unique.  My views are mine and, as I have said before, I would hate to distress or anger anyone with them.

You might think that a child’s death would bring the family closer together.  I read that this often is the opposite of what actually happens. The death of Rowie has completely changed the family dynamic between Chris and I and between Chris, Francis, Maree and I.  A major social adjustment has had to take place.  There is consolation that we have each other to share the grief but I know that I certainly have had unrealistic expectations of the others.  I have wanted them to lesson my grief in some way or another.  This, of course, is impossible.  How can you heal someone else when you can’t stop the hurt within yourself.

Anyone reading this who may be going through the same tragic journey must learn something from us – if you, as parents and siblings don’t work through your grief together by talking and sharing your feelings, resentment, self-loathing, addictions and depression could be the result.  Death is not an easy subject to talk about but in order for you to come out the other side in a healthy, reasonably well-balanced manner you must share your feelings.

I am thankful we have talked.