I am who I am!

by dahl2013

Can someone be too sensitive?

I remember a time many moons ago when my father was kicked on his right elbow by a cow. The consequence of this was that he couldn’t cut his food with a knife because it was too painful.  I sat in tears watching him struggle.  I couldn’t stand his pain any longer so I grabbed his plate and cut his food for him (I was of an age where I was barely past having my own food cut for me)!

Rowie and I sat with tears streaming down our faces watching the news.  We were still living in Alexandra so he can only have been a wee soul.  We watched as parents dug at rubble with their hands trying to free their children from a school that had collapsed.  I can’t remember why it collapsed but I can remember the pain we felt.  Again we sat and cried unashamedly after the Japanese tsunami.  We felt their fear, anguish and desperation.  Once more a natural disaster hits me in the stomach – the Philippines and the emotive way this disaster has been reported; hungry, desperate children being targeted by the camera.

Rowie didn’t quite have the chance to outgrow the ‘oh crikey, they’ll laugh at me if they see me crying’ frame of mind.  He felt slightly ashamed if anyone caught him crying at something sad (unless he was with someone whom he had a great empathy for and with).  I guess being male makes it harder too.  I love the new age man – someone who isn’t worried about looking soft, silly or asinine.

Why would someone deliberately set out to hurt someone else?  I may be described as a people-pleaser but I would rather be classed so than take pleasure in using hurtful words on another person.  Don’t get me wrong; I have hated people in the past; been guilty of criticising without knowing the full story but, I am pretty sure that I have never deliberately employed spiteful and wounding words calculated to cause pain.

‘Harden up’!  I abhor this expression.  If I feel sad what good is it going to be telling me to ‘harden up’?  Do you want me to change?  Do you want me to laugh at harsh, cutting wit?  Do you want me to stare at the television without feeling emotion?  Do you want me to see hideous photographs that people post on Facebook without feeling repulsed and wretched?

Chris and my children are my whole world.  This will sound bizarre but when I cook something that I know Rowie loved I become tearful; not because of his memory but because he can’t enjoy it too.  I love to spoil my family.  Cooking is my gift to others.  I cook to please Chris, Francis, Rowie and Maree.  Christmas is coming and I am devastated that I can’t spoil Rowie; make him smile; make him laugh; make him happy.  

So you see, I would not be me if I wasn’t just a little bit of a softy.  I tend to absorb negativity from other people which brings me down.  I don’t like harsh situations.  I may well unwittingly carry other people’s pain in a well-intentioned desire to help.  If I tell you that what you are doing is making me feel sad please don’t tell me to harden up.  Be stunned that I have had the courage to tell you this, accept that I bruise easily and move on.