THOUGHTS THAT GO AROUND IN MY HEAD
When grief enters your life, be it through the death of a child, parent, partner, friend or pet or even through a relationship that ends, this excruciating feeling of loss creates a total and absolute loss of energy. This loss of energy accompanied by a crippling physical ache manifests itself as grief. This total loss of energy isn’t the sort of energy you get from eating or drinking – you know the kind, low body sugar levels, quick biscuit – your body is renewed, energised! It is an internal ‘energy’ that you may not be aware of until you experience its loss and that agonizing pain that is labelled grief sets in.
When grief moves in you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, your joy of life deserts you. Your focus has gone and you wander around feeling empty and alone. Even in a crowd you feel totally swamped.
This is when you give in to the misery and sink lower and lower; turn bitter and become angry or, you try to use the power of positive energy to turn yourself around. I know that this sounds trite, clichéd; but this was my choice twelve months ago. I’m not saying that it has been easy. It hasn’t. There has been many a time when I have spiralled back into the acute emptiness of grief.
Grief has been an amazing teacher though. If it hadn’t been for the grief I felt when Rowan was cruelly ripped from us I wouldn’t have started on this spiritual journey. I try to focus on positive things in my life; the gratitude game that Jodie taught me to play many months ago. Rowan is no longer on this spiritual plane with me but I have another awesome son called Francis who is here; who loves me as unconditionally as I love him. I have a husband who is here for me during good times and bad. Both of them have suffered their own heartaches and whether they understand me or not, they support me wholeheartedly in my journey. When I do focus on the positives I wake up in the morning with incredulous amounts of energy. Learning to control my inner energies through this loss has helped me to uncover a power and strength that I never knew I had.
When Rowan’s soul passed he merely surrendered his body back to the Earth. His soul moved on, free and uninhibited. He had an understanding of everything that he needed to learn in this life time and his death date was met.
My intention is, as I grieve for the loss of Rowie, to try to focus on the amazing, loving memories I have of him (and there are many). I feel that these memories create energies that reach out to his soul wherever he now is. This unconditional loving energy creates a permanent bridge to him which can never be removed and as this bridge is constructed it helps me understand my own spiritual makeup.
To focus purely on my loss; to mourn the loneliness and abandonment doesn’t help Rowie and it doesn’t help me. Despite my heartache; and I am not denying that I am broken-hearted; by focusing on the love I have for him and on the complete joy, delight, love and fun he brought to my life I feel that I can maintain a connection with him and wherever he is in the Universe he can love me back. This energy of love is perpetual; everlasting; infinite. No-one can extinguish it; obliterate it – it is forever. This love, this unconditional love a mother has for her child; I have for Rowan, holds far more power than the grief and the pain could ever have.
Two things are certain in life; you live and you die. The thing everyone wants to know is ‘what next’?