by dahl2013

Thirteen months since Rowan was taken from us in a horrendous, life shattering, ever-so-nearly soul destroying accident.  Our lives changed dramatically on Boxing Day 2012.  In these circumstances it is so very easy to become bitter.  It is natural to be angry; full of resentment.  I think that these feelings are probably brought about by fear; fear of the unknown – ‘Did he suffer?’  ‘Was he scared?’  ‘Where is he now?’

If you have children you will know that the love you have for them is greater than any words could possibly describe.  If you heaped together all the love that you have for all the people that are in your life and all the people who have been in your life; and all the animals that you have had and those that you still might have, into one whopping mound that is so full that you can’t imagine loving anymore, and then times that by a million, you may be getting a little closer!  You have no conditions on your love for a child.  It does not matter what that child might think or feel or do or say; there is absolutely nothing that will change that love – it will go on forever; a pure, unconditional, miraculous, mind-blowing love.

I have said goodbye to that fear of thirteen months ago.  This is not the future I want for myself, or for Chris and Francis.  I am more than that.  I am more than fear.  I am more than anger.  This is the reason for my journey over the last year.  I nearly made the mistake of hiding away; burrowing within myself; withdrawing from those loved ones still here.  Sounds corny, but as a mother, as a wife, I wanted to be able to tell them that it will be OK; to take the hurt away; to tell them that Rowan is OK; that he is still with us; that he is contented in his continued travels.  I couldn’t do that then but I can now.

It all boils down, yet again, to love.  None of us are perfect but that incredibly feeling you have for your children teaches us what love is all about.  I am sure that love is the answer to our enlightenment…….sounds a little New-Age like; a smidgen hippy-ish but none-the less I do think that love is energy worth developing.

I am not the most patient of people and this journey doesn’t seem to be moving quickly enough for me – I want to see what is around the corner.  I seem to have hit a wall.  I’m not sure ‘where next?’   I do intend to work on this love-recipe for a wee while longer to see what happens though. 

Thirteen months Rowie – I love you, I’m in love with you and I will love you forever J