Yesterday, 26 March 2014 was the fifteen month anniversary of our beautiful son, Rowan’s death. Fifteen months ago today I didn’t want to live either. I felt the strongest yearning to be with Rowie – not to leave him by himself wherever he was. Any mother will understand and appreciate this. In my mind he was in an unfamiliar place; a place where he would be scared and lonely; a place that was threatening and intimidating in its secrecy and stealth. What sort of place is it that doesn’t show itself to its future inhabitants? What has it got to hide? To be absolutely honest, although I desperately wanted to be with Rowan I was scared – scared of death; scared of dying. This unknown place where we are all supposed to end up; this Heaven, paradise, Nirvana, happy hunting ground – has remained so well concealed and mysterious to us that, by nature, dying becomes an alarming and disconcerting thought.
Some months on I was in San Francisco with Jodie and after spending a week with her she muscle-tested me on my beliefs to see how they had changed. One of the major shifts I found was that, on being asked ‘are you frightened of death or dying?’ I could categorically state that I was, in no way, shape or form afraid of death and dying – I felt connected with the Universe; I felt connected with God/Goddess/Source/Higher Energy – whatever designation you feel comfortable with.
My journey has taken me to some strange ‘head’ places. Some of the ideas I have tackled have left my mind spinning; some have resonated with strong truth. Most are things that I would have scorned fifteen months ago.
I started this tour with the sole (and soul – spiritual joke!) intention of being able to communicate directly with Rowie in Heaven. I have not abandoned this resolve. I have noticed shifts in my awareness recently. I see him when I am awake out of the very corner of my eye, usually in the afternoon, but it is only a very brief glimpse. I am very aware, when I am writing my posts, that he is standing with me. I can write something but then, just as quickly, delete it – having got a strong feeling that it isn’t quite what he wants written.
Some of you will now think that I have completely and utterly lost the plot. I haven’t. I think my meditation practices are beginning to pay off. I am managing, at long last, to quieten my mind and I am achieving a sort of personal freedom through my meditation. I am managing to create balance in my life. I feel a certain harmony. I am not living in a perpetual state of happiness which is my aim but I am spending a lot more time in a happy and joyful state. This state of happiness reflects on the rest of my life. I joke with Chris about it but even he has noticed that whilst living in this state of happiness, happiness is returned to you tenfold. He notices that people that we meet, albeit at the supermarket or in the post office, Paper Plus, down the street; they are all more relaxed and friendly than they have ever been. I see this as the Universe reacting as only it knows how; through the Universal Laws of Attraction. What we give out, we receive.
I am mastering love. I have always been able to love Chris, Francis and Rowie – with a huge, all-consuming love. I have always managed to love most of my extended family members; but I’m not sure that I have ever been able to love others. Like, yes….but love….? I now find myself feeling love in my heart-centre for other people! It’s an astounding feeling at first. It took me completely by surprise the first few times I noticed it! I even feel love sometimes for people on television! I have been doing an amazing 8 minute heart-centred meditation every day (sometimes more than once a day because it’s so awesome!) and I notice the shift every time I do it. If anyone wants this guided meditation let me have your email address and I will forward the link to you. I am meeting awesome new people daily and my life is getting richer every day.
Well Rowie. You gave me so very much in the 17 years you were with us. I am astonished at how much you continue to give me in so many ways. If it wasn’t for you I would have never started this journey. What next? I just love getting up in the morning because I never know what is around the corner.