by dahl2013

I sounded so buoyant in my last post didn’t I?  Change your negative thoughts to positive thoughts and you can do anything; you can be anything.  ‘Change it because you can!’

Yeah right!

I went to see a friend the other day.  She is struggling with ‘positive’ at the moment just like I was, and still am on occasions.  I’m sitting there spouting all this guff about mind set – ‘you are the master of your thoughts’ I say; and then it hits me!  How the hell can you think positive thoughts when your life has been completely turned upside down by a devastating loss?  I can say it but do I really believe it?

It may be easier for those with struggles that revolve around everyday living; even though everyday living can be a bitch, rather than those caused by a death.  How can you, in circumstances like this, come up with and sustain a happy thought?  A happy thought might briefly put in an appearance but it is the sustaining that I find difficult.

I was rattling away to my long-suffering friend about the old movie ‘Hook’.  ‘Do you remember the adult Peter Pan’s happy thought that gave him the renewed ability to fly?’ I said.   It was the thought of his children – they rocked his world.  They were and always will be his happy thought.  I can relate to this.  Our children have been our world for nearly 27 years; firstly Francis came along in 1987 followed, not so swiftly, by Rowan in 1996!  They completely took over our lives and every single thought, decision and action for 27 years has been based around them in one way or another – and still is!

I have worked for most of those 27 years but I have been very fortunate to have employment that allowed me to work around the children; I usually worked autonomously and have been trusted by my employers to put in the hard yards; and I have never let them down.  Some of my positions have been based at home (computers allow this to happen nowadays) and these contracts have been amazing.   My employers got far more from me that an eight hour day because I could choose the times I worked to benefit us both.  I have been lucky enough to work for some amazing people who themselves gave family their priority.  Now, hang on a minute; have I been blessed, lucky, fortunate – or did I create these situations/employments for myself?  I certainly had the thought constantly in my head – ‘it will be awesome if I can find a job that fits in around the kids?’

As I was vocalising my thoughts to my endlessly patient and accommodating buddy, I had a wonderful memory spring out at me; one that made me laugh out loud.

Early December 2012, just before Rowie died, I took him down The Catlins coast with me to pre-enumerate my district for Census 2013.  He had finished his exams and was treading water so to speak.  The sun was shining, the sky was blue and we made an early start.  Rowie was going to make the notations for me as I spotted things along the way that needed noting.  By 10.00 o’clock we were parched and hungry.  We drove past The Niagara Café on our way to Curio Bay and decided to turn back to sample their fare!  Those who know Rowie will be very aware of his passion for chocolate milkshakes.  He decided on pancakes, bacon, banana and maple syrup swilled down with a syrupy chocolate-laden milkshake; thick, unctuous and ‘awesome’ according to the expert!  Having manfully dealt with this feast; we set off again over unsealed, dusty terrain.  He turned a strange shade of greenish-grey but heroically encouraged me onwards and upwards.  We hit Fortrose around lunchtime and he was ready for round two – fish, chips and a chocolate milkshake! 

Looking back on this day, it was absolutely perfect.  We laughed a lot; we talked non-stop; he nearly got eaten by an enormous dog in Tapanui (because ‘Rowan doesn’t share food’!) when we stopped for afternoon tea!  A tremendous day; an awesome memory for me – my happy thought!