Life, Death and Spirituality

Month: July, 2014


I have been lucky enough on this journey to meet many wonderful and gifted people. When I first started talking to Angels (and I hasten to add that I, unfortunately, am NOT one of the lucky ones who hears them reply), I asked them to send me like-minded people to help me on this journey. I may not hear them speak; I have never seen an Angel; I have never been the eager recipient of an Angel feather; but they sure have answered my request to fill my life with people who are similarly attracted to a spiritual life and quest for knowledge. I turn on Facebook or download emails and there isn’t a day goes by when someone new and like-minded doesn’t send me some sort of heart-warming missive.

This weekend past I met another bunch of amazing people all drawn together through a shared desire to learn more; all on journeys of their own – some driven just by a desire for explanations, some driven through illness, and others like me through the loss of a loved one.

My warm and funny friend, Lynn hosted the workshop. She has grown spiritually in the eighteen months I have known her. I have always found her to be an amazing, gifted, beautiful soul but she has energy and a zest for life now that is hard to describe. Lynn’s mentor, Nigel Collis was facilitator; another warm, comforting presence. I find it very difficult to describe these people because it isn’t what you see on the outside that makes them who they are; it’s in their eyes, it’s in their heart, their love is tangible – you can reach out and touch it. So, not only do we have these two amazing architects for the day, we have a room full of compatible souls all in accord with each other. Can’t help but be an awesome day can it?

The day started perfectly – no snow or frost on the roads to impede our progress (which was God-sent in the middle of winter I am sure)! Easy company and conversation on the way to Gore………..and the Owaka/Clutha contingent arrive (early of course) and raring to go.

Sitting waiting for us on the table were clear quartz pendulums. We were told to connect with our own and find out the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ response from them. I have used pendulums a little in the past so was delighted to be taken through the process by a professional. My pendulum behaved perfectly and gave me a constant ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ reply as did most. I have talked in previous posts about the energy of crystals and it never ceases to amaze me how vibrant they can be. My clear quartz pendulum was only too happy to please! We were shown how to balance chakras with the Pendulum and I am now waiting for a guinea pig!

We were also given a Herkimer diamond. This is a powerful attunement crystal. It stimulates psychic abilities such as clairvoyance, spiritual vision, and telepathy, linking into guidance from higher planes and promotes dream recall and understanding. Another synchronistic occurrence – I have been using crystals for lucid dreaming and dream recall for almost a year now.

We had a lesson on seeing Auras! That may sound a little less than exciting to some of you. I have been trying to see Auras for a long time now with little success. Auras don’t only show emotional state, they show injury sites and illness too. When I eventually saw one on Saturday I couldn’t stop myself squealing with excitement! Admittedly the one I saw was a pale grey in colour – nothing so exciting as colours as yet but I am told that with practice I will begin to see colours too. The family have warned me to stop looking at them in a sideways fashion though – they feel a little spooked by it HA!!

We ate well, we talked lots. The Owaka/Clutha contingent headed home happy and tired – heads buzzing with all we had learned.

Sunday was my day for a past-life regression. I have to admit to feeling a little ambivalent about this. The closer I had got to the day, the more reticent I felt.
Past-life regressions are done under hypnosis. Nigel’s only real instruction to me was to answer his questions without thought; to answer with the first thing that entered my head.

As I sat back in my comfy chair I didn’t really believe that I was ‘falling under hypnosis’. I was pretty convinced I was in the same state as when I had entered the room. After a lengthy relaxation Nigel took me along a path and started asking me questions.

“Is it dark or is it light?” Light. “Is it warm or cold”? Warm etc.

To cut a long story short, I was a fourteen year old girl somewhere in the 1300s. I was wearing a long, dirty, tatty robe. I had dirty hair and green eyes. I last washed my hair ‘in the water last summer’. I was standing under a big wall – like a wall to a city or a wall to a castle – something like that; and I was on the outside. I think nice things are on the other side of the wall. I am responsible for two younger brothers and a younger sister. I don’t know where our parents are but I presume they are inside the wall. I was then given the opportunity to go inside the wall but I wouldn’t – I was too scared. I am scared and hungry. My life revolves around keeping my siblings safe and fed. He takes me forward until I am 22 years old. I am in the wood living in a hut. I keep pigs which are left over from the farm we used to live on (which was burned). I live with Charlie, my young brother. The others are dead. I am then taken to my death-bed. I am 25 years old. I am dying of disease of the lung. Charlie, my brother, my friend died of the same disease. They have all died. I am devastated – crying.

Nigel asked me to look into my mother’s eyes and asked me if I recognised anyone from this life in those eyes. I didn’t. He asked me to look into my fathers’ eyes. Did I recognise anyone from this life? Yes I did – my father’s eyes from the 1300s were Francis’ eyes in this life. He told me to look into Charlie’s eyes. Did I recognise those eyes from this lifetime? Yes I did but for some reason, even under hypnosis, I wasn’t prepared to say who.

Well, until the point when I was truly devastated at the death of Charlie I wasn’t sure whether the story I could see unfolding was a real memory or just an imagined story. Charlie’s death made it all very real for me.

Nigel and I discussed the regression and came to the conclusion that my parents had probably died of disease which was why the farm was burned and I was left looking after the young ones in the wood. We were probably outcasts. The lung disease could explain the bronchial problems I have been struggling with in this lifetime…….interesting.

I would like to regress again further down the track but I will go with a clearer idea of what I want to learn from it than I did this time.



My boys are my life.

When we decided to move to New Zealand from the UK nineteen years ago we had one eight year old, Francis, and another, long-awaited baby on the way – Rowan.

Rather a rash thing to do – emigrate when you are five months pregnant!

My Mum asked me if I was sure we were doing the right thing. I explained that if my partner were any other than Chris I would not consider it. I had complete trust in Chris’ loyalty to me and strength of character to carry us through anything. So, when I say ‘my boys’ I include Chris, Francis and Rowan in this statement.

To move to a foreign country, previously unseen, and without any family or friends to anchor to is an extremely scary thing to do. We came out without jobs to go to and without a home base – we had no idea where we wanted to settle; all we knew was that we wanted to be in the South Island – an area very similar in climate and terrain to Yorkshire where we both came from.

We were a unit. We started with a group comprising three. This doubled when our fur babies, two beautiful Golden Retrievers (mum and son) and our chintzy moggie arrived out in crates from the UK some six weeks later. February saw the arrival of Unit 7 – Rowan Cai Parker.

We had completed a whistle-stop tour of the South Island from Christchurch down to Invercargill, inland through Queenstown and Alexandra and back to Dunedin by the time our animals arrived and we had decided on Alexandra as the place for us. We met some pretty amazing people during our first days in Alex. Leigh and Kay offered us friendship from the onset and, through Kay, we bought our first New Zealand house and put down our first New Zealand root. We met an incredible young lady whose parents owned the motels we stayed in – Sara became a part of our lives very quickly. With a beautiful daughter of her own now, she remains an integral part of our lives nineteen years later.

My father once described me as ‘sensitive’ when I was eaves-dropping around the age of eight! At that stage I would have totally denied this – tom-boy through and through – I thought I was resilient with a ‘devil-may-care’ attitude! I quite frankly had no intention of ever getting married – animals were my ‘bag’ – I didn’t need anything more!

Something changed along the way. I met Chris when I was twenty and we have pretty much been together ever since. Francis came along some eleven years later followed by Rowan eight years after that! We have always been a tight unit – when you move to a new country you are totally reliant on each other for company, comfort and support. We have always looked after each other and we have an inbuilt understanding of each other. Words aren’t necessary.
My boys!

I know what unconditional love is. I hope you do too. Unconditional love is what keeps the world turning; it’s what gets me up in the morning; it’s what encourages me to go on living.

Being a parent is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love. It is a love that is absolute and not subject to any special terms or conditions.

When Rowan died I was bereft. I thought my heart would never stop hurting. It has stopped hurting all the time now but the hurt is never far away. I can lie in bed and feel love in my heart; I can feel it right through to my back, in between my shoulder blades. I can lie there and think of Rowan and know that the love I have for him is still totally and completely unconditional. My heart feels like it wants to burst out of my chest.

I feel so intensely proud when Francis stands up, walks towards me and hugs me as I leave the rugby club, in front of all his friends and the opposition! I feel overwhelmed; I feel that amazing unconditional love I have had for him for twenty seven years; the familiar surge that almost makes me cry.

I hear Chris’ car pull up outside. My heart skips a little. Even thirty eight years later he still makes me happy when I see him at the end of a day. Unconditional love? I guess with a partner the love isn’t quite as unconditional as it is with a child but he still rocks my world and I wouldn’t have survived the last seventeen months without him.

Our world was turned upside down and inside out when Rowan moved from this plane to the next so quickly and without warning. The love doesn’t die though. The love is ever present. As I said, I can feel it now, as strong as ever…..unconditional love doesn’t just stop because the recipient isn’t quite where you want them to be. Never forget that. That unconditional love that you feel is theirs and yours to share forever.


I just had to write a few words about synchronicity.

Synchronicity – is the experience of two or more events as meaningfully related, where they are unlikely to be causally related. The subject sees it as a meaningful coincidence. The concept of synchronicity was first described by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychologist, in the 19290s.

If you are a follower of this Blog you will know that I do not believe in coincidences. ‘Coincidence’ is a word used by people to make excuse for not believing in predestination or the Universe’s ability to bring things into our lives that we desperately need at any one time. Our lives have been filled with ‘coincidences’ since Rowan died – far too many to write them off as accidental or chance happenings.

The most recent ‘synchronicity’ occurred over the last four weeks. A friend who I met through this blog recommended I read a certain book; a book already recommended to m in an email by another friend who I met on one of my spiritual forays to Christchurch in 2013. This book is entitled ‘On Dragonfly Wings’ – a skeptic’s (sic) journey to mediumship by Daniela I Norris.

A friend lent me this book and as I began reading it I couldn’t help but notice how similar her journey has been to mine. She lost her younger brother in a drowning accident which kick-started her spiritual journey.

She has ventured down several tracks on her journey and some of these again have coincided with mine; she started by experimenting with pendulums – something I started with way back at the beginning of my journey in January 2013. I got some satisfaction from pendulums but found them rather restricting after a while; I only managed to get ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers – I was wanting more.

She eventually ventured down the path of ‘Past Life Regression Therapy’ and has had some astounding and hugely beneficial insights into her present life through many past lives from this form of treatment. She has located her brother in a previous life and realises the amazing weaving of tapestries that our soul families accomplish over the many lives we incarnate into.

I find it absolutely fantastic that I should be given her book to read at the same time as an offer lands on my table for me to take part in a ‘Past Life Regression Healing’; admittedly I was advised to do this many months ago by a UK medium but have found this extremely challenging due to the lack of the advertising of such people in rural South Otago!

How amazing is it that I now have the opportunity to access my past lives through another wonderful person introduced to me by my first contact in the spirit world, Lynn. I am hugely grateful to the Universe for arranging this synchronicity for me and I advise anyone listening to my ramblings to start looking at small synchronicities in their lives and wonder at their awesomeness!!


Past Life Regression – a technique that uses hypnosis to recover what practitioners believe are memories of past lives or incarnations, though others regard them as fantasies or delusions or a type of confabulation. Past life regression is typically undertaken either in pursuit of a spiritual experience, or in a psychotherapeutic setting. Most advocates loosely adhere to beliefs about reincarnation, though religious traditions that incorporate reincarnation generally do not include the idea of repressed memories of past lives.

Rowan talked a lot about reincarnation. He was convinced that he was a Japanese warrior in a previous life – this could have been because he felt he needed an excuse for his fascination with all things Japanese or it could have been because he had memories of this past life; memories that weren’t complete and vivid but memories that were shadows and dreams in a sleeping state. He chose to live his last years by adhering to the Samurai Code of Honour – he often spoke of this and his desire to live by their four simple rules; strength, respect, loyalty and honour. It was extremely rare that he ever criticized anyone. He never played the blame game. He was always the first to put his hand up if he had done something wrong. Jodie talked of him as a ‘warrior’ with ‘warrior energy’. She saw him standing in Samurai robes with a sword. She said he will always retain the ‘Rowan’ personality! She saw him looking on us, his family; Francis, Maree, Chris and I, ‘with kind, older, compassionate eyes’ – he is the teacher.

I have been thinking a lot recently about things that Rowie said to me; things that I didn’t give a whole lot of attention or credence to at the time. The more I think, the more memories come back to me. I wish so much now that I had paid attention to every little thing he said to me; that I had given him 100% of my attention rather than just listening with one ear whilst thinking about something else.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not beating myself up and labelling us bad parents. We spent many hours with both our children and still do. We read to them as babies and continued to do so as long as they allowed us to. We played games with them to the detriment of the house – constantly untidy and, to quote a friend ‘somewhat lived in’! My mother would stop doing anything to play cards with my sister and I as children and we played cards, board games, chess, Lego, puzzles with our boys. We watched nearly every rugby, soccer, softball and cricket game Francis played as a child and we watched Rowan excel at his chosen sports; kayak polo, swimming, javelin and archery. We certainly gave our children time – and continue to do so. We watch as many of Francis’ rugby and cricket games as we can and I stay in contact with Rowie as best I can with the severe restraints put upon us! Time is the best thing you can ever give to your children.

Certain things that Rowan said before he died had a sort of poignancy and have made us question whether, at some level, he was aware that he was going to pass early in life. As I have said before, throughout 2012 he was absolutely convinced that he wasn’t going to see 2013 and he died 26 December 2012. That same year he told me he didn’t want me to die before him because ‘he couldn’t bear it’. Through Jodie, Rowan said that he was grieving for himself before he went. Spiritually he knew what was coming. I understand this. He seemed to spend a lot of time in his room prior to his death. He was always full of beans and fun when he came out but we certainly noticed his time spent in solitude.

For some unexplained reason Rowie started taking a knife to bed with him. Again I wish I had questioned him further about this. We just put it down to Rowie’s quirkiness! When he stayed with Francis and Maree he hadn’t his knife with him so he raided the kitchen drawer for a suitable accompaniment to bed! I put it down to a strange spate of ‘zombie’ movies on the TV around this time! Why didn’t I ask him about this? I have heard from several people, and read, that sometimes, prior to death, spirit come to the person about to pass and wait for them. Maybe he was being visited at night by excited spirit looking forward to spending time with him.

I was lying in bed the other night; unsure whether I was day-dreaming or actually asleep; but I remembered Rowan saying to me ‘did you know mum, if you dream about falling off a cliff and you don’t wake up before you hit the bottom, you die’!
This announcement is typical of a child with an awesome imagination – but is there anything else to read into it? I wonder now if he was dreaming about falling off a cliff. I wonder if he was having a sort of premonition. I wish I had asked him questions at the time instead of smiling and putting this down to an active imagination.

I am going to do a past-life regression myself in a few weeks. I have a bit of a block and this could be due to a past life complication. I am looking forward to experiencing this and learning from it. Jill Harrison, a Level 12 medium from the UK suggested I do a regression some time ago and Lynn also feels this will be useful. I visited Dellaina in Christchurch last year and she channels Almora, an Ascended Master. Almora told me that I had been persecuted as a witch in a previous life!

Maybe I will discover that I was once the mother of a Samurai warrior………….


Tolerance – a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one’s own; freedom from bigotry.

To get on in this world of ours and with each other, we need to learn respect for other peoples’ beliefs and to not judge them without any understanding of where they are at in their life.

I have many friends who have followed my journey after the death of our beautiful, vibrant, warm, loving and funny son, Rowan. These friends for the most part understand the word ‘tolerance’. Some do just that; they ‘tolerate’ my beliefs. They may not have the same beliefs but they love me just the same. Others have joined me on this journey and have found themselves learning enormously about their own spirituality; these people are changing. They are opening up and finding direction in their own lives as am I; they are finding new perspectives on their situations and their individual journeys through life. Others seem to struggle with what I am doing. Whether this is because they have different beliefs or because they are scared of what I am learning I’m not sure. Perhaps they haven’t lost anyone close enough to them who they want to stay in touch with. I see the look in their eyes; their embarrassment; their desire to extricate themselves from my presence as quickly as possible!

After my visit to San Francisco and the suggestion from spirit that I might find it healing and beneficial to write about my journey; already fascinating in its development, I made a promise that I would write everything as it happened. I would not exaggerate or embellish anything along the way. This blog is a true and correct account of the things that I have experienced and learned so far. I will talk of my journey truthfully and without elaboration.

As I said in June, I saw Rowan the night before our beautiful wee girl cat was killed on the road – the very first time I have seen him in eighteen months. It was only a brief glimpse but a glimpse nonetheless and something I had been so looking forward to. I have seen him again. This time I told Chris straight away. We were heading to the city for several appointments and I was google-mapping our route for the day. It was early morning and I was sitting in the office. I was looking at the computer and became aware of movement outside the window. Chris was sitting six feet away watching television. I pushed my chair back to see what the movement was and I saw Rowan walk past the window. I laughed and explained to Chris that Rowan was here again.

At 11.19am whilst I was in town I got a text from Maree (Francis’ wife) to say that her gentle, gentle-man of a father, John, had passed away unexpectedly. I am guessing that once again Rowie was trying to tell me something and for that I am grateful. I grab any opportunity with both hands to see our beautiful son again.

I just hope that the next time I see him he is the purveyor of good news!

I realise that listening to me chirp away about metaphysical things like crystals and pendulums and their efficacy and meditation etc is acceptable. Some of you may find my announcement I have seen Rowie harder to take on board. I am tickled pink that I am beginning to see him; after all, this was the sole purpose of my journey initially.

A medium can contact spirit in several ways. There is clairvoyance where the medium can see spirit; there is clairaudience where the medium hears spirit; and there is clairsentience where the medium ‘feels’ or senses spirit through many senses – smell, or vibration etc. Some lucky souls are blessed with all three abilities and the more they work with spirit the more developed these abilities become.

I have seen Rowie. I do not, for one minute, profess to be a medium. I believe it does mean that I am learning to listen to my inner self, my intuition though and I firmly believe that Rowie has a strong intent to be visible to me.

At the end of July I am attending a Level 2 Spiritual Development Workshop which I hope will help me to help Rowie in his desire to be seen and heard. Please be tolerant of my journey.