THOSE THINGS WE MISS
Smell is so very important to me. I have always said that if you lined my three boys up with a hundred others and blindfolded me, I could pick each one of them out by smell! I’m not saying that they are unclean, or suffer from BO! I am saying that each has a definite, unique, beautiful smell.
After Rowie died I spent hours in his bedroom soaking up the smells that were inimitably his. He has a sweatshirt that still smells strongly of him and I spend time even now, nineteen months down the track, hugging and breathing in the essence that is Rowie from this sweatshirt.
We haven’t cleared his bedroom out yet. His drawers are still full of his distinctive ‘Rowie’ fashion pieces; his walls covered in his Asian paraphernalia and his hats; his bunk, peppered with names of loves lost and loves sought. I can’t bear the thought of clearing out his things; I know that they will never be needed again but I find it so very hard to say goodbye to these aspects of him that we still have with us. Every single piece of clothing reminds us of some warm and happy time; every item in his room brings back memories of his quirky hobbies and the fun and laughter that we shared.
It’s strange really. Rowan remains very familiar. It is as if I see him every day – his face, his smile, his expressions – all very familiar – but I crave to hear his voice. I lie in bed trying to recapture his voice but I can’t……it is not something I can bring into my conscious mind. I listen to his videos and my heart aches when I hear him but as soon as the video finishes I lose the memory of the sound again.
Rowan had such an enormous energy about him – he exuded life. Even in death Rowie exudes life – he still has an incredible energy.
Shortly before the 2013 Catlins School Formal I was told to look for ‘the light’ in the photographs! I was extremely excited about this and I mentioned it to his friends. They reported back that they couldn’t see anything. I was saddened – I thought that Rowie was going to show up somehow.
Last week I visited an awesome friend who is spiritual to the max! She was showing me photographs that she had taken on her phone – there were little orbs of energy bouncing around all over them! These orbs were definitely not reflexions of flash lights or such phenomenon – they were amazing and unexplainable! She stopped suddenly and looked at me. She said – ‘he’s sent you an orb on your phone’! I looked at her in a perplexed sort of a way! She said ‘Rowie’ – ‘he’s sent you an orb’! I got my phone out. I don’t have many photographs on it – just the odd snap of ‘cocktail night’ that I post to Facebook! I trawled through them and sure enough, a photograph taken looking towards Rowie’s photographs on the dining table showed up an amazing light orb sitting on Yowling’s head (Rowie’s cat that always lies by Rowie’s photographs)! Chris, Francis, Maree and I have no explanation for this ‘orb’. There is nothing reflective there. There is no flash on my phone anyway. But sure enough there is an awesome light energy ball sitting there, proud as proud can be. Maybe those Catlins Formal photos did have something there but maybe we weren’t sure of what we were looking for at that stage!
I miss the hugs. Rowie was a very tactile soul. He loved physical contact. He was demonstrative to the max. He couldn’t manage a day without giving Chris and I a hug or two. He would hug Francis. He would hug his friends. He would hug the animals. Yep, Rowie was solid; not in the slightest bit reserved. He was immensely affectionate and not ashamed to show his love for us all.
I will never stop missing him. I reread the text conversations we had. I watch videos of him.
We are given today but never promised tomorrow…….make sure you tell all that matter to you that you love them.