BITTER SWEET

by dahl2013

What a roller-coaster ride the last ten days have been. Heartbreak; delight; spiritual growth. I know we are here on this earth to enjoy our time; to learn and to grow but sometimes it is just too easy to get lost in the sadness of the moment.

The son of a past work colleague of mine died in a motorbike accident at the end of October – another one of our beautiful young men taken too soon – tragic. I was truly devastated by this news. Another colleague was mindful and thoughtful enough to let me know before this intelligence was communicated to us by the media. Thank you my friend. The thought of someone else I care for going through the same pain as we have done brought it all flooding back. I felt sick, tearful, sad for them as parents and sad for myself again as the intense feeling of misery and despair grabbed at me.

I asked my Nuggets friend if I could see her this week. I hoped she could help me process my grief and she didn’t disappoint me. I always feel so refreshed after time spent with her in her beautiful space which sits right on the edge of the sea. She helped me remember the joy that the next stage of our journey as humans carries. She reminded me of the excitement of moving forward after leaving the earthly body behind – so easy to forget when in a state of grief and anguish. I also know that he wasn’t ‘taken too soon’. He was taken just when he was supposed to be. I know these things to be true but it isn’t always easy to keep this at the forefront of your mind.

I also had some tremendous news this week. The dear young friend of Rowans whom I mentioned recently is moving to Dunedin to study next year. This news brought tears of a different kind – tears of joy. I was so delighted to hear that she was joining other close, close friends of Rowans; friends that he couldn’t wait for her to meet; friends that she knows already through his incessant, excited descriptions and the magic of modern communication. I hope she doesn’t mind us taking her out for lunch now and again when we are in Dunedin and we promise not to make nuisances of ourselves!

I’m not sure how you measure spiritual growth. I am now acutely aware when I go through a shift which opens up new revelations and new insights. Leading up to these shifts I feel irritable, unable to sleep properly, restless and incapable of concentrating for any length of time. After I have come through one I feel relaxed, comfortable, peaceful and content. These shifts are worked for, not given freely! I spend much time reading and meditating still. I have realised that if I want to learn I have to apply myself! I spend time with like-minded people and we feed off each other and we find ourselves making discoveries together through talk and brainstorming.

I am now acutely aware that the world is totally different to that which I understood it to be for most of my life. In looking for answers I now use altered ways and methods to the ones that I used as I was growing up prior to my life-changing event. I am sure that I have always been aware of these new methods and approaches but I probably thought them ridiculous before I was guided towards them through well-meaning associates and abounding literature.

I think that most of us need some kind of kick-start to encourage our change in perspective. Some undergo an amazing experience like an NDE (near death experience or episode); others suffer a less dramatic but nonetheless life changing event like the loss of a loved one through illness, accident, suicide. These events drive us to look deeper within ourselves. It is terribly easy to close off, become bitter and resentful and blame anything, everything and everyone for the loss and to dive headlong into an angry despair.

Rowan has pushed me to look at life differently. He hated seeing me upset and angry. He always noticed when I was feeling down and was the first to ask what was bothering me. This is the main reason that drove me to look at life and death in more depth. He wouldn’t want me to stop living just because he did. He stands behind me now, encouraging, inspiring and motivating me to look deeper.

For those of us who do open up to new perspectives through a life-changing event, I do believe that we have an obligation to others to talk about our journey and our discoveries and hope that others might gain some comfort from them. To talk might even start them on a journey of their own.

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